A grade 10 student came into my office for a guidance appointment, looking for help and answers regarding post-secondary pathway planning. She asked about courses, and pathway options, possible careers. Like many high school students, she feels uncertain about her future, finding it difficult to make decisions. As a frequent flyer, this student has come to see me regularly since she began high school in grade 9. We have had some great chats, so I know her quite well. In her words, she was trying to figure out “what to do with her life” – she was struggling with indecisiveness. Sometimes, oftentimes, these questions are the platform from which I launch into my advice mode. But this time, I chose not to. Something stopped me. I could see she was searching for answers but already had keen insight into her likes, dislikes, goals and I wanted to explore that further. Instead of turning to my computer to start pulling up programs, degree/diplomas available to her, admission averages and so on, like I had in previous guidance appointments, I asked her this question: “Knowing everything you know at this moment, what’s the decision that scares you the least right now?“ This well-timed question changed the course of the conversation and launched us into a productive and meaningful dialogue.
As guidance counsellors, we often view ourselves as “answer-givers”, which we are a lot of the time. But I feel that as we grow into our roles in guidance, the real power we have lies in the questions we ask, and when we choose to ask them.
Why do questions matter? It is quite common that students (and sometimes parents) will come to see their guidance counsellor with many questions and come to expect certainty. The idea that the counsellor has all the answers to their post-secondary pathway, course selections, mental health is expected. However, this should not be the case. It is more important that counsellors learn the skill on engaging in meaningful conversations and ask probing questions that invites ownership and reflection on the part of the student. This will make the student’s decision making more secure and give them the confidence needed to act (or sometimes, not to act, depending on the scenario). Questions matter because they keep the conversation moving along and may inspire and generate ideas, a plan, a more important next conversation. Where advice will at times close a conversation; a well-placed question opens it. A good question hands the pen back to the student – it lets them author their own next step. When I ask instead of telling, students often discover that they already know more than they think.
What makes a question “well-timed”? This is essential – timing matters. We need to build positive and safe relationships with the students we counsel. We are one of their safe adults in the building that they should be able to see frequently to help guide them through what can be a very tumultuous time in their lives – high school. As counsellors, once the trusting relationship is built, we need to ask these questions. However, the key is asking the question when a student is ready to hear it, not when we’re ready to ask it. There is a balance between silence and prompting. If the student is someone who comes to guidance often and looking to have meaningful discussions about life after their 4 years of high school, there will be times we give advice, times we remain silent and listen, times when we prompt students for more and ask the difficult questions. Sometimes a question lands too soon. Other times, it’s the moment a student finally says, “I’ve never thought about it that way before.” That’s when you know the timing was right. This skill takes guidance counsellors time and practice.
Asking meaningful questions is a skill. As a guidance counsellor, take the time to reflect on the skill and intuition that go into question-asking. We need to resist the urge to provide solutions and rather ask questions that will build the road for the student to travel on and get to the answer on their own (with your guidance). It took me many years to hone this skill. As a young guidance counsellor, my need to help students and solve their “problems” was what drove me. Over time, I have learned that listening more than I speak and being actively engaged in the conversation, by asking prompting questions is much more meaningful for the student.
That Grade 10 student that came to my office on that day didn’t leave with an answer. She left with a clearer sense of her own voice – and a question she could keep asking herself. That’s often enough. Early in my career, I thought that students needed me to be the expert. Now I think they need me to be curious, interested in them, their lives, their worries, their journey. A well-timed question says: I trust your capacity to think this through. In guidance, our greatest answers often begin with a well-timed question.
By: Anna Macri
